Adventures in Language Acquisition

The aforementioned "neighbors upstairs" who have lent us a variety of household goods have done their best to help us improve our pathetically scant Japanese. Most of the materials they've lent us have been of some use, though all but the children's books were designed to teach English to a native speaker of Japanese. As such, our erstwhile study materials are littered with hilarious little inexplicable dialogues and non sequiturs (mostly in a "why the hell would someone need to know how to say this in English" sense). One book, in particular, bears repeating on the Internet:

Entries range from the hilariously bodily…

• “Don’t pull the hair out of your nose in public.”
• “She is balloon-breasted.”
• “I have a boil on my bottom.”
• “Your hair is dirty. You are filthy.”
• At least three full pages on shit. It starts innocuously: “May I use the restroom?” But it ends up discussing tumors, “mucous [tarry] stool,” the mysterious “Constipation causes rough skin,” and the ever-useful “There is some shit near the utility pole” (or if that’s unclear, there’s also “There is some crap near the utility pole”).

To the bizarre…

• One section, apparently about hands, includes “I like fortune telling” and “He is a prophet.”
• “My legs are thin” progresses to “My beard is thick” to “The plot thickens.”
• A section on health and dieting: “Skeleton” -> “Skeleton in my closet” -> “He found a skeleton in the basement” -> “He found a mummy in the basement.”
• “Your face is talking to me.”
• “There is a pantry in the basement.”

To the strangely poetic:

• “Hurry up! We are short of time. There is a shortage of food.”
• “Please turn on the heater. Please turn off the heater. Please turn down the heater. Please turn up the heater. What turns you on?”
• “Horses are herbivorous. Sheep are herbivores. Humans are omnivorous. God is omnipotent.”

And you have to wonder if a student of English is in over their head if they still need to use a guidebook at this point:

• “You were snoring last night. You snored last night. I can’t take your snoring any more.”
• “Western civilization is different from Eastern civilization. They are savage. They are brutal.”

Happy first blog post about hilarious Engrish, everybody! Let's savor the moment, shall we? Mmmmmm...

Internet update: we've applied for Internet via a company called "Broadband Apply" that came recommended from someone here in Osaka. They're slow, self-contradictory, and frustrating, but at least they speak English! Also, as far as I can tell, "Broadband Apply" is made up entirely of a guy called "Jimmie J. Jenkins," which is by far the made-uppiest name I have ever heard. And remember, I was president of the TSU RPG Club, so I've heard some fairly unbelievable names.

Anyway, we've been told that the Internet will be set up sometime around September 2-10. That's right, only another week and a half until I can no longer blame others for failing to blog regularly!