TKO from Tokyo

Just a smattering of photos from our August trip to Tokyo. It was magical! In that it was, y'know, really, really, really big. I mean, Osaka is, according to some (Osakans) the second largest metropolitan area in Japan, but in our experience most of that is anonymous suburbs -- we live right in the heart of the Minami (southern) half of downtown, and we're only about 10 minutes' walk from three of the cooler neighborhoods and 4 km from the heart of the Northern center. I guess, if the metaphor may be excused: we were all jumpin' around Japan, bopping turtles on the head, collecting coins, goin' "Hey, this is pretty cool," and then all of a sudden wandering into a pipe and coming out in OUTER SPACE. In 3D.

I...I need to work on my metaphor skills, admittedly.

Anyway, this about does it for the photos. More on the Faces-Book-Webs, but not that much more. Brief digression: we kind of hate tourists. I know, I know, we covered this already, but it bears mentioning again: we hate tourists, we hate being mistaken for tourists (which happens constantly), and our favorite pastime is seeing obvious tourists walk by with huge suitcases and clueless stares, then rolling our eyes and patting ourselves on the back so vigorously we pull our arm muscles. Since there's no more touristy action in the world than pulling out a huge camera and taking a picture of somebody else's city, we mostly limited our activities to looking cool and blending in (in much the same way that a penguin blends in on the savannah, but hey, we tried).

The Imperial Gardens are surrounded by a somewhat impressive moat. You may notice that the moat is pretty ineffective at repelling foreign invaders.

Watching out for snakes in the Imperial Gardens.

Surely some of the 10 most important of Tokyo's estimated 100 million skyscrapers.

Harajuku, where it's all going on.

Yep. Any given house in Japan. It's just that weird over here, promise.

Sampling local Tokyo cuisine.

Visa-Mandated Weird Pictures of Japan

Yes, it's one again time for the "Law and Order" of Japanese Expatriate Blogging (in that it's immensely popular, unavoidably formulaic, and always always always on): wacky photos! Yatta!

A simple premise, eloquently explained. The must-have bag of the season for high school writing teachers! And yeah, "BS" is explained below, but it's just such a beautifully straightforward opinion, isn't it?

Coffee table comes with dumb haircut and big glasses. Good Charlotte CD sold separately. Too easy?

Rilakkuma ("relax bear") is one of the big stars of...well, everything over here. A sort of competitor to the Sanriyo family, Rilakkuma and his friends (a smaller bear and...a duck?) have their faces on everything: notebooks, coffee mugs, food, beverages, home goods, school supplies, rail passes, even occasionally (horribly) cars. On this product they can be seen relaxing very effectively, drinking tea, playing cards, and eating cookies just before bed. Did I mention this is a box of condoms? Why do they look so tired, as though they're trying to fend off sleep? Why...why is the duck in the room with them? Are they planning to eat him afterwards? Or...

You are wanted by the U.S. government for a part-time job at a souvenir stand in Tokyo. Man, our president wasn't kidding around when he said he'd create jobs!

Not much to look at, but it's blue beer. Blue. As in mouthwash-blue, antifreeze-blue. Tastes fine, really, though it's hard to enjoy if only because of the color (a phenomenon some may remember from the days of weird-colored ketchup).

The typo that started it all, that has its own T-shirt and, presumably, its own reality TV show on VH1. It also bears mentioning that this photo was taken in Takeshita-Dori in Harajuku, one of the most popular shopping streets in one of the hippest districts in Tokyo; sure are a lot of rules for such a cool place. Then again, smork does kind of ruin the experience for everyone.

Part of this Complete Breakfast

On the recommendation of one Cameron Bertram, I decided to pick up a can of Morinaga's ホットケーキ味, "Hot Cake Flavor." Don't spend too long looking for hidden meaning here, it's a pancake-flavored beverage.

Photo by Ailsa Lian, featuring famed hand model Cameron Bertram

Even after more than a year here in Japan, I feel that I have a duty to readers back home to explore the weird, the unknown, and the culturally impenetrable so as to promote cross-culture understanding. May I just say, having fulfilled my duty in this venture: damn every one of you, readers, I will never forgive your ass for this.

On the bright side, now I get to indulge in my favorite part of food criticism: rampant hyperbole!

Recreation of the official Gaijin Patrol taste test of Hot Cake Flavor.

I will confess to some trepidation as I dropped my ￥120 into the vending machine, the same Dydo machine by our house that sells Ultraman Cola ("Hot Cake Flavor" is elusive, appearing only in vending machines and even then only in a single brand of machine -- this really should have tipped me off that it would not be a taste sensation). Still, some forays into non-traditional beverages have been illuminating, even tasty: Jones Bros. Thanksgiving Sodas, for example, or Jarritos Tamarind Soda. The label promises "milk sake" -- anything beyond that is a riddle to me, though Cameron warned me that the label instructs one to yell "Reveal your tasty secrets to me" before drinking for maximum satisfaction.

On tasting, the first flavor is one of totally mega nasty gross, followed by a lingering taste of oh my god I'm gonna barf, with notes of vanilla extract and artificial maple. The best thing you can say about it is that this beverage did not make any of my teeth fall out; second-best would be that it tastes something like cold, runny butterscotch pudding. Not only did this drink kill a good number of my taste buds, but my tongue is now haunted by their restless ghosts and the surviving buds are swearing revenge against the brain. It's so bad that my eyes no longer blink in unison. It's so bad that I can no longer remember junior year of high school. With every sip, a dozen puppies around the world have seizures. With every sip, George Lucas destroys another copy of the original cut of "Star Wars." It's not great, is what I'm trying to say.

I was unable to complete the official Gaijin Patrol Taste Test of "Hot Cake Flavor," and for that I would like to apologize; like a coward not deserving of a place among the honored dead in Stova Core, I fled the testing grounds and dumped the remainder of the foul brew onto a patch of grass. That grass is now dead. If anything ever grows in that place again, it will be a blackened, hellish, Lovecraftian thing with thorns and tentacles. Though it should be noted that "Hot Cake Flavor" does, inexplicably, contain Vitamin C.

F-

And Really Bad Eggs

Yesterday was Pirate Day at Harumidai's Free School (again, that's the after school program for elementary schoolers). Among the many activities and pirate games were Cap'n Says, Pirate Phonics (A is for Aaaaargh, if you're wondering), and a pirate coloring sheet. After giving them 25 minutes to color, we stopped the class, donned pirate hats and eyepatches, and asked if anyone knew what the Free School theme was. Dead silence. One girl slowly raised her hand and volunteered, "Pirate?" We laughed and shouted, "Aye! Aaaaaarrrrrgh!" Again, dead silence. One boy put his hands in the air and said, "Yaaaaay."

While the students were writing the English names of things in the picture they had just colored, our most advanced student, an 11-year-old named Aimi, was (as usual) given a more difficult assignment. This is the only way to keep her from complaining that her work is too easy, feeding answers to the other kids, or turning cartwheels over and over and over and over. Basically, we had her write a story about pirates in 10 minutes. I'd now like to share with you, children of the Internet, the fruits of an 11-year-old Japanese girl's creative treatment of pirates. Sic. Enjoy!

long time ago, there were are pirates. They liked to travel. Pirates are very good people. So they don't kill a people and help peoples. so everyone loves them. One day One people went to swim in the pool. She liked swimming and she can swim very well. so she swam island to island. Swimming between island, she found shark so she scream. And she had a cell phone so she call to pirates and the number is "1123". piretes came to the place and they killed sark and rescued her. And she said "Thank you" alot. And she wanted to enterd a member so she become to a member of pirates.

The end

Visa-Mandated Funny Pictures of Japan: Japan After Dark

Caution: these photos involve subject matter of an adult nature. Some of it may even be deliberately adult, though I doubt the creators of these signs have any idea just how gross a lot of it is. So, anyone under 21 or over 65, you may wish to skip this post and preserve some illusion of the innocence of Jenn and Harry and of the basic decency of humankind. You have been warned.

Japan is host to many traditional performing arts that span the worlds of theater, music, comedy, storytelling, and dance. This is not one of them.

A little something for the 12-year-old boys and 12-year-old boys at heart.

Not really dirty, just kind of disgusting. There are numerous drinks sold in small Alice in Wonderland style bottles in conbinis and pharmacies that are some combination of energy drink and traditional medicine. I've been told that this drink is for women only, and that they will refuse to sell it to men. I guess this just plays into my conspiracy theories about the placenta. Ladies, WHAT ARE YOU HIDING FROM US? IS IT THE NEW WORLD ORDER? THNX.

Sold in the pet goods section of our local department store. I understand that some people are into this kind of thing, but if you really did want to harness your rady, why the garish colors when black leather has such a classic feel to it?

Um...I...I guess I would just like to point out that the stark lighting on the Cowboy Gothic style of sign might clash with...um...whatever theme these proprietors are going for with their bar.

Specialty of the house. I looked, and yes, it does mean something else in Japanese. Parents and anyone who has doesn't know what this means, I implore you, I beg you on hands and knees, if you need to know, check Wikipedia, not Google. EDIT: In fact, don't check on Wikipedia, either. In fact, you should probably just turn the computer off right now and run screaming into the night. If your curiosity must be satisfied...I don't know, ask a teenager or something. Then you can watch them burst into flames with embarrassment.

That's all from the sleaziest corner of the Japanese blogosphere. I think I need a shower now.