Interview at Mephistopheles, Inc.

First, a few notes for those of you following along at home:

1. I'll be blogging every day this week, assuming I can find enough hilarious photos on Google Images to fill that much.
2. Big ups to Raku Cafe and our good friends over at Radies and Radishes. They are...well, rad.
3. I got a job. More on this later this week, promise (unless I find more important things to talk about -- like, say, melon soda -- and run out of time). In the meantime, here's a hint of what I'm in for:

Out.

Waaaay back when, you may recall that I had an "interview" with one of the more behemoth eikaiwas, Aeon, which devolved into a nightmarish spiral into confusion and madness. And sweat. Plus, I didn't actually get interviewed by anybody.

Well, last Monday I managed to get a real, actual interview with a live human bei...well, we'll get to that, but in any case, I was called in for an interview by Berlitz. A group interview, as it happens; I've been told that it's not unusual for group interviews to involve pop quizzes or pitting the applicants against one another to see who wants the job more (I prepared some notes for what to say in the event of physical combat, such as "I surrender unconditionally"). Still, terrified though I may have been, it's not like I had much else to do on a Monday, and I really could use that job. Also, there was a bagel place right next door that I'd been wanting to try (dear Japan: A+ for effort but D for taste when it comes to your Soy Milk and Edamame bagel and your Green Tea and White Chocolate bagel).

I'd had experience with ESL job interviews before, of course. Playing up my greatest strength of sheer desperation, my usual MO involved agreeing to anything and everything immediately. Work on weekends? No travel recompensation? Live badgers? Yes sir, I'm your man! So far it's had about a 50-50 success rate.

This one was different from other interviews, though. Being ushered into a smallish conference room with two other youngish dudes, we were greeted by a middle-aged American in a sharp suit. He looked like Tim Curry's boring younger brother, with a goatee usually worn by some of the more reputable demons and eye bags you could smuggle cats in. I should have been tipped off that something was wrong right at the start when I saw that the interviewer had the all-time biggest movie tip-off for an evil character: slicked-back hair.

Still, I kept positive and copied down the Berlitz Five Principles from a poster on the wall into my notebook. They seemed pretty easy to get behind, though in retrospect, the fact that the first one read "Total Customer Orientation" should have tipped me off; I believe that's the same first Principle of Ford, Microsoft, and Burns Nuclear Power.

The interviewer started by asking us the only two questions he would ask for the entire interview: "Are you familiar with Berlitz products?" and "Do you have a work visa?" (I think I did pretty well at those). He then proceeded to give us a historical rundown of the Berlitz company. Among other fascinating tidbits, I learned that Berlitz is now a wholly-owned subsidiary of Benese Holdings, a Japanese company owned by the #137 richest man in the world that also invests in toys and silver. I tried to ignore the tingling I started to get at the base of my neck at this point.

He then walked us through the contracts for Berlitz's Full-Time, Part-Time, and Private Lesson positions. This took us about half an hour, after which he mentioned that they were only hiring for Private Lessons. I stopped taking notes at this point. As the gentleman walked us through all of the manifold generous benefits offered to employees of Berlitz, I got the strangest feeling that he was trying to sell us something; it's nice to be pursued by an employer, but not by one who gives off an unmistakable used car salesman vibe (perhaps I would have to sell Tupperware or magazine subscriptions during lessons?). Among those benefits, incidentally: we can take Berlitz Language Courses for less than the usual rip-off rate they charge, and we get to use a select number of Worldwide Resorts at a discount! Also, we are forbidden from working for any of Berlitz's eikaiwa rivals like Aeon. There's that tingling again...

Towards the end of the talk, he bottom-lined us: "This is not a school," he said, flatly, hands clasped on the table. "Berlitz is not recognized as a school by the Japanese Ministry of Education. It's a corporation. We have a duty to our stockholders first. The product that we sell just happens to be language services." It was about at this point that I noticed that the interviewer didn't cast a shadow.

The hard sell continued into the informal questions period, when he reminded us all that Berlitz had more than 500 schools worldwide, and that if we would agree to a Training Session (I could only assume that the Training Session would involve the Ludovico Technique), we could find employment at any of them. He chuckled as he continued: "I can think of no other organization in the world that offers that kind of opportunity for travel. Except (laugh) the Peace Corps, and they don't pay as much as we do." I smiled manically. Ha ha! Yep, those volunteers sure are suckers! Maybe they should look to the Five Principles for guidance!

I signed the Post-Interview Questionnaire (surprisingly, not in blood), somehow keeping myself from scrawling "OH GOD STOP THEM BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE" at the bottom. I still haven't gotten a call back. Go fig.