Wild Wildlife

An Hourly Breakdown of the Fauna of Pfeiffer Big Sur State Park:

12:00--6:00 a.m.: Out-of-shape raccoons shimmy down their trees, sniff around for 15 seconds, then shimmy up a neighboring tree.  Each of these climbing excursions sounds like a sheet of cardboard being slowly digested by a pencil sharpener and takes about 15 minutes.

6:00--6:30 a.m.: Turkeys wander through the woods, gobbling in surprise at virtually every stimulus in the forest.  They may be defending their territory or calling to a mate.  Perhaps they're simply shouting "HELLO I AM A TURKEY."  Maybe they're reciting Turkey Shakespeare.  I don't fucking care, really, I just wish they would stop doing it quite so early in the morning.

6:30--10:00 a.m.: Adorable little birds.  Also, less-adorable giant birds (pictured).

10:00 a.m.--1:00 p.m.: Bugs (asst.)

1:00--2:00 p.m.: The Banana Slug Hour.  For-real, live banana slugs, looking for all the world like living boogers, slime their way across the forest like they own the place.  Punks.

2:00--7:00 p.m.: The most pissed-off squirrel I have ever met just fucking yelling.  Did you know squirrels could yell?  Yeah, neither did I.  Well, this squirrel just had some kind of beef with the rest of the forest, because it yelled until the sun went down.

7:00--8:30 p.m.: A skunk!  A skunk circled our campsite, its tail constantly twitching, apparently looking for some food.  This was not a terribly good night, but we got away with only minor bruises to Jenn's arm from my clutching it too enthusiastically (I scare easy, OK?).

8:30--11:59 p.m.: CENTIPEDES OH FUCK NO CENTIPEDES THERE'S CENTIPEDES YOU GUYS AAAAARGH.  I found this part of the expedition to be pretty elevating: my greatest fear (except for a Santorum presidency, maybe) is any animal that ends in -pede.  These guys squashed easily, though.  They were big, and they skittered out from the picnic table where we were set up.  I feel that this was something of a trial, like having to face one's greatest fear in the dark forest (see The Empire Strikes Back), and if nothing else I learned to flip my switch from "flight" to "fight while squealing."  It's a start.