Toilets of the World (Flush Up Your Life!)

As Jenn and I have wandered this great big Earth of ours, visiting cities exotic and familiar, world capitals and remote hamlets, mountains high, valleys low, rivers wide, and basements damp, two things have followed us wherever we have gone: our deep and abiding love for one another, and our need for a bathroom.  Yea, it is truly an inescapable truth of travel.

This may not seem that big of a problem, but when you’re exploring a new place, some extremely basic questions are pretty hard to ask about.  For example: “Excuse me, how and why should I eat this entire fish with a head on it?”  Or, in this case: “How do I use this toilet?”  It really contributes to the feelings of being completely lost when you’re unable to take care of some simple functions that a three-year-old would mock you for not knowing how to do.

Of course, some cultures are considerate enough to leave such information lying around. (Source: http://3.bp.blogspot.com/)

And sure, we could have stayed right at home in the Midwestern U.S. and never needed to carry a spare roll of toilet paper, never looked for a museum or a Starbucks only so we could use the bathroom, never opened a door with crossed fingers, muttering “please be a Western toilet, please be a Western toilet.”  But if we had, we wouldn’t have learned a couple of truths that have made us better people.  The first: no matter how scary the bathroom, your body will deal with it.  The second: American toilets aren’t even that great.

Seriously!  Research has shown that the human body is more suited to a squatting position than a sitting one anyway, but that’s not even what I mean.  I mean that in the grand scheme of toilets, the standard Western toilet gets a solid B to B-.  Let’s go to the data:

Our old toilet from our apartment in Osaka.  We call her "Widowmaker."

1. Japanese super-toilet -- an entirely new bathroom experience, with volume control, heated seat (excellent for cold winter days), and Magic Fingers
2. Any non-super toilet with multiple flush settings -- standard in Japan and much of Europe
3. Regular ol’ American toilet (or “Old Glory”)
4. Japanese squat pot -- once you remember what direction to face (towards the plumbing) and what to do with your pants, it’s still pretty hard to make yourself use (at least it was in my case, but then, I’m a giant whiny baby, and Jenn got over it just fine).  Though holding a squatting position is obviously less comfortable than sitting down, the human body really understands what’s going on and hurries things up to compensate.  So again, once you figure it out, it’s just fine.
5. Standard Filipino toilet -- see below
6. Pit toilets -- *shudder*
7. Toilet from “Trainspotting”
8. That one public pit toilet we found outside Providence, MO (Population: 36) -- had clearly been written off as unsalvageable just before the glaciers swept the country (seriously, Jenn still has flashbacks to this one)
9. Nasty hole in the ground  -- not yet witnessed in the field by the Gaijin Patrol

A bit of explication about number...uh, the second item in the list (sorry) (seriously, I’m so, so sorry): typically in Japan, even toilets of the non-heated-seat-singing-and-dancing-variety can be flushed with either a large amount of water or a smaller amount, depending on what is necessary.  It may not seem like a big difference, but, hey, save the earth, ride a toilet, right?  I’m still sorry.

Now, Filipino toilets are a new thing, and they leave something to be desired:

For instance, a "seat."

Somewhere between a Western toilet and a squat pot, it’s too tall to squat over, yet too not-having-a-seat to sit upon.  It is flushed by scooping water out of a bucket with a smaller bucket, then pouring the water into the toilet.  The water gets cleaner, and the water level never rises due to the scientific principle of Magic Toilet Elves (mathematically rendered as Ψ).  The only thing we don’t yet understand about Filipino toilets (besides everything) is whether toilet paper can be flushed as well.  We have had experience in Italy, Korea, and some older buildings in America where TP can really do harm to a septic system, and where a trash can is provided for disposal.  However, toilet paper is never to be found in the stalls of the Philippines, nor are there trash cans next to the toilets.  More research will follow this question, whether we want it to or not.

UPDATE: As of press time, Jenn no longer has a problem with Filipino toilets.  Harry remains unconvinced and somewhat uncomfortable.