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Japan has some unique demographic and geographical problems: its population, nearly half that of the United States, is crammed onto a smattering of islands with roughly the same square area as California. On top of that, about 70% of that space is uninhabitable forests, mountains, or Specially Designated Dolphin-Killing Zones.

One problem that the Japanese seem to have under control, however, is employment -- the voices in my head that call themselves "Wikipedia" tell me that its unemployment rate is only about 4%. In contrast, the U.S. has tremendous unemployment right now, but as our Fearless Leaders have pointed out, the problem is not a lack of opportunities: we've got thousands of acres of empty land in the Midwest that could be converted into something more useful, like parking lots or roadside zoos (I recommend Missouri first).

What's the Japanese secret? When there are more people, they just make more jobs! Does your bank have ATMs? Hire someone to stand by and help people use the fully-automated systems! Is your restaurant or business on a street somewhere? Hire someone to stand on another street with fliers! Already employing as many janitors as you need? Consider making another position for a deserving minority individual (Robo-Japano relations are cordial if strained)!

Or hire someone to hand out free products on street corners! Just think: what's something that everybody needs but you can't already get for free elsewhere? That's right: toilet paper! We got these from people apparently advertising the middle school near our house:

Please think of our school when you wipe your ass!

We've already documented how advanced the toilets are over here, and really, they're amazing feats of technology that bring about the conveniences of the future today (future pooping, in particular). The only real exceptions to this inspiring triumph of human ingenuity are 1. about 2/3 of the toilets here are actually just porcelain holes, and 2. many public bathrooms don't bother with providing toilet paper. Compounding this last problem is that soap is never provided in public restrooms. Futuristic!

With this said, it becomes a lot clearer why Japanese people are always wearing surgical masks. It also makes me eternally grateful to the good people at Katsuragi Jr. High School for providing the world with something immeasurably valuable: education for our children, who are, I believe, the "future." Immeasurably valuable thing #2: TP.

Additional: from all of us here at "Amazing Tales of the Gaijin Patrol," happy annual winter consumer holiday! May your days be jolly, your celebrations lively, and your trees pointy.

[insert clever title here]

So, the first thing that I noticed about Japan after my thirteen (13) hour flight from Ohare to Narita was the fact that the toilet that I was desperately needing to use had volume control. Why might a toilet need volume control? you might ask. I was also curious. I then sat down and discovered that the toilet seat was heated. (I might add right now that when I landed in Japan it was a very humid 95 degrees.) I soon learned what the volume control on the toilet was for: artificially produced flushing sounds designed to cover any sounds you might make whilst in the toilet. And, apparently if you are particularly pee shy, you can turn the volume up quite high. I will also add that this was one of two toilets I had the option of using--the other was a porcelain hole in the ground. I didn't feel ready to tackle that cultural experience yet, so I decided to use a toilet that would have seemed not out of place on the Starship Enterprise (except the button labels were written in both English and Japanese and everyone knows that the crew of the Starship Enterprise only speaks English). Also, it being a hole in the ground, I didn't know which way to face. (I have since learned that when using a squat toilet, you face the plumbing. Got that, America? Face the plumbing.)

When I exited the airport, I found myself at a bus terminal where I was ushered onto a bus full of Midwesterners. Unfortunately, I had to wait and wait and wait for the stragglers to make their way outside, so I spent an hour staring blankly out the bus window. The random chunks of concrete sitting on the island in the middle of the bus terminal had little Zen garden rakings around them.

So far, that's about all that I've learned about what is up with Japan. Here in Tokyo, myself and about 2000 of my closest friends are being held here in the Keio (fittingly pronounced "K.O.") Plaza Hotel, which is most assuredly the most expensive hotel I have ever been in, undergoing "Tokyo Orientation." And we all are being forced to wear suits. I haven't even got to have a bite of sushi yet. Apparently they don't trust these gaijin to handle Japanese food yet, so they keep feeding us things like pasta with marinara sauce (borrrrrrrrrrrrring). But, there was steamed vegetable medley on the breakfast buffet this morning.

Also, today I had my first experience with communicating in Japanese. I walked up to what looked like coffee and confidently said to the lady behind the table "Koohii deska?" (Is it coffee?) to which she replied "Hai," (yes) and bowed. I was so unbelievably happy that I almost cried and wanted to kiss her to show my gratitude. Also, I was immediately rewarded with a delicious cup of coffee.

Tomorrow, I go to Osaka. I hope I'm able to sleep more than 4 consecutive hours at some point in the near future. That would rock.