Of Implements, Karate, Big-Ass Trees, and Mega Man

As a journalist and a leading member of the Blogosphere (Leading the World in Taking Pictures of Food Since 1999 (TM)), I have many responsibilities: Seinfeldian bitching, for instance (that is, writings of the "what's the deal with..." variety), and using Google Image Search to help document anything that I'm too lazy to take a picture of myself. As one of the millions of bloggers who covers living in Japan (largely for the benefit of other people who live in -- and thus, blog about -- Japan), my responsibilities are expanded to include specific bitching about travel, toilets, height, vending machines, and violent porn comics. Having expended most of the educational and humorous potential of these last few topics, I figured it was time to do some traveling. For the good of the Internet, you understand.

Koya-san is called the holiest mountain in Japan. Yes, before you ask, they use the same suffix for "mountain" and "mister." No, I don't know why. Now pipe down. Jenn and I took the long, arduous trek up the mountains to this heavenly destination, and in the process we shared something with the many Buddhist monks since 800 A.D. who have made their pilgrimage to the holy mountain and also happened to live on the Nankai Koya railroad line. It took about an hour...those monks seriously are a bunch of whiners, I tell you.

(Warning: the following sentence contains a great deal of accurate information, and may in fact be completely boring) As is the custom in Koya-san, we stayed in a monastery of the Buddhist Shingon sect, a form of esoteric Buddhism founded by the great Kukai (also known as Kobo-Daishi) nearly 1200 years ago. Kobo-Daishi is also known for inventing the kana writing system, making him simultaneously the most important man in Japanese letters and the god-damnedest nuisance in world history. I mean, seriously? You needed two more alphabets to say "I bought a TV today"? Really, Kobo-Daishi?

Anyway, back to this blog post (more on all that later). Most monasteries welcome tourists as their only form of income, so the various Buddhist priests are all very accommodating, inviting their guests in to watch and even take part in twice-daily religious services and meditation. Payment is on check-in. That may be so guests don't trash the hotel rooms, as if there were anything to trash:
Tatami floors, futons, tea service, and a TV for every guest. Those monks are wild and crazy guys, all right! Carey, Monique, Jenn and I left our TVs off, though we did extort an extra pitcher of hot water out of the ritually tight-fisted monks. Speaking of:

Included in the price of lodging are two vegetarian meals prepared according to ancient monastic culinary traditions. It was all delicious, though it was explained to us very apologetically that the meals are exactly the same every day (monks hate repeat business). That closed red container held a Koya-san specialty called gomadofu, a soft sesame-based tofu that was probably delicious; being unable to defy physics and eat a gelatinous food with chopsticks, clumsy me, I spilled mine on the floor. This wouldn't have been a problem were it not for the fact that Japanese people don't seem to believe in napkins, meaning I had to surreptitiously mop it up with my chopsticks wrapper and my sock. I was too afraid of being karate-chopped to death to try again, so I'm just going to go ahead and give gomadofu a 10 out of 10 and be done with it.

After the meal, the head priest's mother came in to tell us in flawless English all about the history of Koya-san and her 89 years of experience. The part I enjoyed the most was hearing about how she went to Tokyo 70 years ago to study English at a university; she was the only woman in the program, and by the time she got back home, she was derided for learning what was now the "Language of the Enemy." Needless to say, she was in pretty high demand a few years later. Our interest utterly captivated, she then proceeded to the ask-me-about-my-grandchildren phase of the talk.
This was the view from our hotel room. We were woken up by the call to morning prayers at 5:30 sharp. Those monks have some gall, huh? I was so furious that I had to see the sun rising over the pale blue cast of dawn over the cedars of Koya-san, I just had to angrily take a picture of it. They'll be receiving a stern letter from my travel agent!

Later that day, we went to visit the largest cemetery in the world, Okunoin. It's gorgeous: ancient, built right in the middle of an immense pine forest containing the biggest trees I've ever seen. Judging by this picture, it's also haunted by the ghost of Tom Wolfe for some reason. This cemetery is one of the reasons I came to Japan, as a matter of fact, and it didn't disappoint.
This was also in Okunoin. Japan is actually quite famous for its hilariously passive-aggressive anti-smoking PSAs. Please take note of how the stick man (Cigarette Man, of Mega Man 4, I believe) on the top right has attached a huge cigarette directly to his arm for the purpose of attacking children with it.