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Japan has some unique demographic and geographical problems: its population, nearly half that of the United States, is crammed onto a smattering of islands with roughly the same square area as California. On top of that, about 70% of that space is uninhabitable forests, mountains, or Specially Designated Dolphin-Killing Zones.

One problem that the Japanese seem to have under control, however, is employment -- the voices in my head that call themselves "Wikipedia" tell me that its unemployment rate is only about 4%. In contrast, the U.S. has tremendous unemployment right now, but as our Fearless Leaders have pointed out, the problem is not a lack of opportunities: we've got thousands of acres of empty land in the Midwest that could be converted into something more useful, like parking lots or roadside zoos (I recommend Missouri first).

What's the Japanese secret? When there are more people, they just make more jobs! Does your bank have ATMs? Hire someone to stand by and help people use the fully-automated systems! Is your restaurant or business on a street somewhere? Hire someone to stand on another street with fliers! Already employing as many janitors as you need? Consider making another position for a deserving minority individual (Robo-Japano relations are cordial if strained)!

Or hire someone to hand out free products on street corners! Just think: what's something that everybody needs but you can't already get for free elsewhere? That's right: toilet paper! We got these from people apparently advertising the middle school near our house:

Please think of our school when you wipe your ass!

We've already documented how advanced the toilets are over here, and really, they're amazing feats of technology that bring about the conveniences of the future today (future pooping, in particular). The only real exceptions to this inspiring triumph of human ingenuity are 1. about 2/3 of the toilets here are actually just porcelain holes, and 2. many public bathrooms don't bother with providing toilet paper. Compounding this last problem is that soap is never provided in public restrooms. Futuristic!

With this said, it becomes a lot clearer why Japanese people are always wearing surgical masks. It also makes me eternally grateful to the good people at Katsuragi Jr. High School for providing the world with something immeasurably valuable: education for our children, who are, I believe, the "future." Immeasurably valuable thing #2: TP.

Additional: from all of us here at "Amazing Tales of the Gaijin Patrol," happy annual winter consumer holiday! May your days be jolly, your celebrations lively, and your trees pointy.