Slam the Phone

(Warning: self-indulgent poem ahead.)

Softbank is one of the biggest cell phone providers in Japan; their celebrity endorsements are the stuff of legends, from a single photo of Brad Pitt with a porn 'stache to an entire series of billboards, movies, songs, music videos, and concerts featuring a boy band called Smap (that, as far as I can tell, doesn't exist outside the advertising universe, kind of like that FreeCreditWhatever pirate band or the Black Eyed Peas). Also, the mascot is a dog named "Father."

A while back, I had to spend an hour and a half waiting for the only English speaking member of the Softbank staff, and since I had hilariously forgotten to bring a book, all I had to entertain myself was my cheap-ass Jellybean cell phone that boasts features like Calendar and Notepad. Here is the fruit of an hour and a half trapped in Softbank, with the original formatting preserved as closely as possible:


for all the sleek, the bright-lit
mirror white shined clear to t
he next century, for the packe
ts, for the whimsy, for the unli
kely friendship of a white dog
and a smiling mute black man,
for the blessing of the apple co
rporation and his holiness mick
ey mouse, for the freshest beat
s piped in from the west coast,
for the promises made by an ar
my of vested men and the vang
uard of pleasant women who ca
nnot help us, for the soft milky
leather and multifareous jellybe
ans and offers of unprecedented
generosity, i am not happy. i ha
ve stayed in the neverland of do
gs and fluorescent day for too lo
ng and find myself aged before
my time.